What to do? What to do?

"Inez, wake up! You are going to KL today!"

"Today? So fast ah Inez is going to KL already?"

"Yea, come and give Mommy a hug."

"It's okay, Mommy." She came to give me a hug, and then sat facing me. "Now you can go to work early," she reasoned. "The house will be tidy because there's nobody to mess up the house and you don't have to go to the beach."

BUT oh! How my heart crumbled into a gazillion pieces and how I felt like a horrible and bad mommy but in my defense, it takes 1 hour to get to my workplace, partly due to traffic light jam and distance, unless one leaves the house just before 7 or after 8, then you won't be stuck in traffic light jam. And if classes begin at 8:00 a.m., you can just imagine what time I have to get them to their nana's. I take turns with my hubby. If I am in no rush that morning, I'll be the one sending them. As long as I work at least a 40 hour week (8 hrs average per day), I'm okay. But it means that if I clock in late, I'd have to clock out late. So nearly every morning, it's "Hurry up! Mommy's late for work!" We have especially more of this when we have to clean up unexpected accidents, courtesy of Mikael. As for going to the beach - if I leave office at 5:30 I'd reach home by 6:30 and it'd be too late to take them to the beach sometimes. As for the toys, Inez is very good at tidying when she's in the mood. She's hardly in the mood, and Mika's worse. He's never in the mood! I usually tell them that if I have to clear their toys, I'm putting their toys away and they won't be seeing those toys for some time. Hahaha and I have a special box for that.
That gets them to tidy up. Mika though usually needs some alone time in the corner to reflect first before he decides to clean up.

Well, back to this morning's conversation, here is my reaction:

"Oh, Inez, Mommy doesn't have to go to work early all the time, except for when Mommy has classes or meetings. Today, for example, Mommy is not early. (The clock shows 8:24 a.m) And Inez has been going to the beach nearly every day except for Tuesday. Is Mommy a bad mommy?"

God bless that child's heart. She shook her head and gave me a hug.

I still feel like I am a bad mother though, that she feels like she gives me trouble. And that it's good for me not to have her around.

Well, I explained to her that my workplace is faraway and that is why I have to leave early and why I have to work. She is a good girl. She understands that we are all victims of circumstances. I wish I could spend more time with my kids too. I am working on getting a job nearer to home. Hopefully, by next year or mid December, I'll get that post I want.