My "Too Cute"s

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Soooo lazy!

Guess what I'm doing? This is me rebelling against work. I'd thought, 'hmm since I want to put work out of my mind, why not blog?' I've been staring at this box for a good few minutes and I'm thinking, where do I start? It's been ages since I have really written. I mean , a recipe or two was fine, as that didn't require much thinking.

Soooo much has happened. At work, I've been promoted. That happenerd in April. I don't like to tell people about it. I dunno why. In fact, my mom just found out. So much to do, it's just crazy. I'm still trying to fit it all in.

Then, I had a miscarriage. That was in early May. I was 8 weeks pregnant, and I lost my baby. I had just returnbed from a teambuilding course and before that, I was traveling as well. It's easy to blame the trips I've been making but at the end of the day, I guess, it was just not meant to be. The doctor just a couple of days earlier couldn't detect the heartbeat and told us as long as I didn't bleed I was fine. But on the 3rd day, I did. I was on MC for a week, and bleeding that whole week until on Sunday, I felt this funny sensation that compelled me to go to the toilet and it just came out. So tiny that if you held it and clenched your fist, you wouldn't even be able to see it in your hand. Not that I wanted to. Whatever I did see, it was because I had to wash the hand that was holding it. It was so tiny but it had eyes and nose and everything and attached to a transparent plastic bag like thing. Allah is so great. I saved it and took it with me to the doctor's. The doctor looked at it and said that it's all out. I was like, "Really, so I don't need to do the D&C?" Thankfully, no, but that was upon the condition that she doesn't detect any blood clots in the womb during my next visit.

The ironic thing was that I had just come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant. Anyone watched Marley and Me? I was exactly like Jennifer Aniston's character when she got pregnant the second time and was sooooo totally not ready for it. I did 3 pregnancy tests. The first one had a faint line, so I had thought, nope, couldn't be. It's too faint, it can't be, so I did another one, showed hubby and he said, "Yup, you're pregnant!" but me, I was in denial. "No way, I can't be! You can hardly see that second line! Tomorrow, we've got to go to the pharmacy and get those pregnancy kits without these damn lines."

So, my hubby, God bless his heart took me to the pharmacy the next day and hah, nah engkau, i bought like 2 more kits! Puas hati, but guess what? There are no kits that show that you're positive without those darn lines.

Took them home and well, whaddayaknow? I was pregnant...still that faint line. I guess that was when I finally accepted it. I think I had felt it was too soon and that I wasn't ready for another. Hana was just a year plus. Anyway, that weekend, we went to the doctor's, who did a scan and confirmed it.

So, I accepted that I was pregnant, and since this was not my 1st pregnancy, I basically knew what I needed and began shopping for stuff. Though not that much. I figured since we were supposed to go to Bandung again at the end of May, this time with the kids and my mom too, I'd do my shopping there. I had already imagined myself tired from waddling from one outlet to another. Hehe.

I remembered thinking when I miscarried that I would be walking normally in Bandung. Haha, really, and a part of me wondered whether my initial denial phase was the reason why I didn't get my baby. Another part of me wondered if it had anything to do with work and the trips and courses I had to attend. At last, I just felt that it just wasn't meant to happen, the baby had no heartbeat.

For that I had another 2 weeks of sick leave and it was really difficult to be on leave coz it was so totally unplanned. I was still sending memos to tie whatever loose ends I'd left hanging. I had to find people to replace me for this and that meeting on short notice. I am really thankful to all my colleagues who stood in for me. Haha, but by the time it was the 3rd week, I wasn't ready for work anymore. Dah malas dah...

But I swear the 3 weeks that I was on leave was the first rest I had in a long time and I do mean, real rest coz there were so many restrictions. My parents just wanted me to stay in bed, especially the first week of MC. There was still hope. Friends of mine and friends of Jaja's had the same experience before that the doctor didn't detect heartbeat but the pregnancy came through. My friend just gave birth recently to a baby girl and at first her doctor told her that there was no heartbeat too. But after it came out, then it's like confinement all over again. Some say, you go to take extra care coz miscarriage is like plucking a fruit that's not ripe yet. Oh yea, the first week after the miscarriage was painful. You could feel the contractions and the medication made me drowsy.

But, it was during that 3 weeks, I bonded back with Hana and my Inez and Mika. Maybe, that was why it was fated. Hana was at that time, so close with my mom, that my mom was like her birthmom and I was like the grandma. As I said, I was just real busy at work and was away a lot. It was just nice to be spending a lot of time with them.

And where was Zul all this time? In the US, for some factory visit, and the H1N1 had just started. Thankfully, he returned home safely and H1N1 free.

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